no hello
please don't say hello. or anything else, actually.
Imagine a conversation so efficient that it never even happens.
Don't do this
A completely avoidable interaction
Notice how both people wasted valuable seconds participating in a conversation that could have simply not existed.
The supposedly better way
A clear, direct message. Exactly what nohello.net recommends. Unfortunately, it still involves contacting me.
Instead, try this
A perfect interaction
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Alan has a question.
Opens the chat and starts typing.
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Alan thinks twice.
Deletes the message and decides to figure it out himself.
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Alan finds the answer.
Turns out the solution was a Google search away. Who knew?
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Meanwhile, I'm enjoying my day.
Completely unaware that any of this happened.
Zero notifications. Zero interruptions. Zero response time. Everyone wins. Mostly me.
But what if it's important?
That's a great question. Have you tried asking literally anyone else?
Other websites might suggest skipping the pleasantries and getting straight to the point. For example, "Hi, can you fix the production server?" Please don't do that either.
Even a direct question requires me to read it, understand it, and potentially do something about it. That's a rather unreasonable expectation.
People say asynchronous communication is all about respecting each other's time. I couldn't agree more. In fact, I think we could take that idea a little further.
Before contacting me, consider the following:- Can you Google it? The answer probably isn't there, but the search results might keep you occupied.
- Can you ask an AI? Of course. It might confidently give you the wrong answer, but at least it won't be my problem.
- Is it urgent? That sounds stressful. I hope things work out.
- Is the server on fire? Have you considered turning it off and never turning it back on? If that doesn't work, grab a marshmallow.
- Do you absolutely need me? I appreciate your confidence in my abilities. Unfortunately, it's misplaced.
Of course, genuine emergencies are exceptions. This is a joke, not an emergency response policy.
Silence is golden. Let's keep it that way.
Some people say communication is key. I say we can leave that door locked.